Moments in Time
by phoenixfyre13
Summary: There are several defining moments in a person's time on this earth. Here are some from the lives of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks. RLNT, set between OOtP and HBP. Reviews and concrit welcome!
1. Hopeful

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing here but my own imagination. Though I wouldn't mind owning a certain werewolf...oh, well. Darn it.**  
**

"What the hell are you doing?"

Remus Lupin nearly jumped out of his skin as Sirius Black strolled into the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place. "For your information, I am making dinner."

Sirius grinned. "I can't believe Molly let you in here. I had no idea you had culinary skills."

Remus grinned ruefully. "Skills may be a bit of a stretch, but I have been known to make a mean kidney pie."

"And may I ask who this dinner is for?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. "Ooh, does Moony have a date? Who is the lucky girl?"

"It's not a date. Nymphadora and Kingsley have been on an assignment all day, and I thought I'd go ahead and make something for her – for them, if Kingsley stops by too. For the meeting and all." Remus was horrified to find himself blushing and stammering. _Get ahold of yourself, Lupin,_ he admonished silently. _Schoolboy crushes should have ended long ago. Besides, she's twelve years younger than you, for Merlin's sake._

Sirius sat at the table and propped his feet upon it. Remus knew Molly would have a fit if she were to walk in and see Sirius with his dirty boots on her freshly cleaned table. However, she and the rest of the Weasleys were at the Burrow, getting things in order for the children's return to Hogwarts the next day. Remus could hardly believe how quickly the Christmas break had passed with the children around. It was refreshing to see the friendship amongst them, particularly Harry, Ron and Hermione. It reminded him wistfully of the relationship between him, James and Sirius – fast friends, brothers even, who would go down to the wire for one other.

"She fancies you, you know," remarked Sirius, studying his oldest friend with an unreadable expression on his face. He placed his hands behind his head, reclining the chair on two legs. "I also happen to know, Moony, that you fancy her. So what are you going to do about it?"

Remus gave a choking laugh and turned away from Sirius, attempting to hide his startled expression. How the _hell_ had Sirius known how he felt? He thought he had been so careful around her. Careful not to show that the admiration he had felt for her when he first came to know her had suddenly – and quite unexpectedly – turned into something else. His biggest fear was that, at some point in time, he had gone and fallen in love with Nymphadora Tonks. "I don't have the foggiest idea what you mean, Sirius."

Sirius gave a barking laugh. "Oh, come off it, mate. You are no better at hiding your feelings from me as Fred and George are at being serious. Come on, Remus, I'm not going to deck you for being interested in my cousin. Although I'm sure I could find another good reason, if you're up for a tussle." He wiggled his eyebrows eagerly at Remus. "I am primed for a good row, you know."

"I am well aware of your propensity to pick a fight these days, Sirius," Remus stated dryly. Just yesterday, he had nearly had a knock-down drag-out with Molly over the state of the meeting area, which he had left littered with half-empty firewhiskey bottles and used glasses. "My children have to come into this room, and I would rather them not think they were living under the same roof as a woeful drunkard!" Molly had shrilled, to which Sirius had snidely replied, "I suppose since it is _my_ house, I should _certainly_ abide by the rules of those who I am accommodating!" Remus and Arthur had had to break the two up, sending them to separate corners of the house to cool off. Molly had become particularly sensitive since Arthur's return from St. Mungo's; Sirius, a man of action to say the least, was so sick of being cooped up in the house he loathed that Remus could hardly blame him for wanting to pick a fight. Anything to see some action, even if the battle was petty and of the domestic sort.

"While I will certainly consider your offer, I will have to currently decline," said Remus.

Sirius sat up, putting his feet back on the kitchen floor. "Remus." Lupin looked up at his uncharacteristically serious tone of voice. "Seriously, man, you can talk to me about this. What else are fellow Marauders for?"

Remus stirred the stew in the pot, carefully considering his next words. "I don't know how I feel about her, Sirius. My first reaction is she is entirely too young for me." _Too beautiful, too bright, too…everything._ "She has two left feet, a sharp tongue, and entirely too many Weird Sisters t-shirts." He sighed. "We are from two different worlds, Padfoot. I wouldn't even know how to bring them together."

Sirius considered this for moment, then nodded, as if having made a decision. "I think you should just give her a good snogging," he said decisively. Remus, who had been tasting the stew experimentally, nearly choked, scalding his tongue and the roof of his mouth as the spoon clattered to the floor. "Excuse me?" he rasped, turning to his friend to find him laughing so hard he couldn't make a sound.

"Oh, Moony, you should have seen your face, man!" Sirius gasped, holding his side. "Priceless, mate!"

Remus glowered at Sirius. "I swear, Padfoot, if you weren't already a cursed arse, I'd do it for you."

"Oh, get a sense of humor, Remus," chuckled Sirius, his laughter beginning to subside into giggles. "That was great! 'Just give her a good snogging.' Ha!" he barked, sounding so much in that moment like his shaggy black counterpart that Remus would not have been surprised to see a bushy black tail wagging through the back of the chair.

"If you don't shut it, I am going to shove this spoon so far –"

"Alright, alright," Sirius growled grudgingly. "I'm done." He smirked. "But don't expect to live that down anytime soon."

Remus turned back to his pot, stirring angrily. What unsettled him most was not the jibing from Sirius, but the fact that the idea of shoving Tonks against the wall and giving her a good sound kiss sounded extremely pleasant and not all that far from his deepest desire.

"Wotcher, Remus, Sirius." As if conjured by thought alone, Nymphadora Tonks bopped into the room, her hair fiery red and shaped in a short bob that framed her heart-shaped face. Remus could not ignore the slight flutter in his stomach at the sight of her. "What's on the stove?"

"Remus made dinner," Sirius announced, aiming a sly look at Lupin. "Wasn't that thoughty of him?"

"Great! I'm starved." Tonks moved towards the cupboard to retrieve a dish. She grabbed a bowl and turned, knocking into the cupboard door and sending her bowl crashing to the floor.

"Bugger," she muttered, kneeling down to pick up the remnants of the broken dish.

"Here," said Remus, stooping next to her with his wand drawn. "Let me. _Reparo!_" in a moment, the bowl was mended back in one piece. He handed it back to Tonks, a soft smile on his face.

"Thanks," she murmured, looking into Remus' eyes. He suddenly became very aware of how close they were to one another, their hands brushing on the rim of the bowl. He could smell the scent of her lavender soap, and it was so intoxicating that it took a moment for him to recover his senses. He noticed that her eyes were a dark chocolate that evening, with flecks of amber throughout. The look in them hinted towards something more than just thankfulness for his gesture, and it nearly took his breath away.

"My pleasure," he said softly, not wanting to break the tenuous connection between them, afraid that he was reading too much in her gaze, afraid that just maybe he wasn't.

"Ahem." The moment was broken as the two looked up to find Sirius standing over them, his eyebrow arched. "If you would excuse me, I'd like to get to the cupboard myself." They stood quickly, moving away from the cupboard doors. Remus busied himself stirring the stew, but he could feel Tonks looking at him as if she were boring a hole into his shoulder.

"Ah – will Kingsley be joining us tonight?" he asked, stirring as though his life depended on it.

"He went back to his flat," Tonks replied without looking away from Remus. "He'll be coming back later for the meeting."

"Oh. Alright. Well, then," he said, cringing inwardly at the forced brightness of his tone. "Dinner's ready."

The three sat in silence, spooning the food into their mouths to prevent the need for conversation. Suddenly, Sirius stood. "I need to go look after Buckbeak," he said, grabbing his bowl and bread and waking towards the door. "You lot enjoy your dinner." Remus was fairly positive he winked at him on the way past.

Once Sirius had gone, the room was once again filled with a tense silence. Remus, for one, hardly knew what to say to his dinner companion. _So, Nymphadora, how do you like the idea of pursuing a relationship of some sort with an old, poor werewolf? _That was probably not the best way to approach things. _Want to go find a dark corner?_ Yeah, that probably wasn't right either. Remus was so intent in his thoughts that it took him a moment to realize Tonks was staring at him over her bowl.

"Do you fancy me, Remus?" she asked bluntly, the pink in her cheeks betraying her forthright attitude.

"I – do I – _what_?" stuttered Remus, staring blankly at her.

Tonks looked quickly down at her empty dish. "If you don't, you know, it's alright. I just – I thought maybe…"

Remus was speechless. He had never in his life felt so exposed, so transparent, as he did in that moment. _Tell her, you git! _shouted a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Sirius. There were too many reasons why he shouldn't, _couldn't_ do this with her. A couple of them involved his desire not to lose this comfortable friendship the two had managed to create in the past few months of working together; the majority of them involved his unworthiness of her attentions. _Too old, too poor, too much a bloody werewolf._

Tonks waited a moment, then stood abruptly and took her dish back to the sink. "Never mind, just pretend I didn't say anything." She turned back to him after a moment, a too-bright smile plastered on her face. "Thanks for the dinner, Remus. It was really nice of you." She turned to beat a hasty retreat out the door.

"Nymphadora, wait." Remus stood uncertainly, suddenly very afraid that he was about to let his one chance at happiness – and at love – walk out the door.

She turned in the doorway, that fake smile beginning to slip a little. "Remus, you know how I _hate _it when – "

And suddenly he was upon her, crushing her lips to his in a hungry kiss. She stiffened in shock, then relaxed against him, returning equally that passion that Remus had underestimated within himself. He threaded his fingers through her hair, realizing that he had yearned to do that for quite some time. Her scent intoxicated him, sending jolts of pleasure through his body as she responded eagerly, her hands running up his back and stopping at the nape of his neck. The taste of her lips was like a dream, from which he never wanted to wake.

After what seemed like a moment and an eternity wrapped into one, he pulled back from her, looking down at her heavy lids and swollen lips. She was so incredibly beautiful and sexy to him in that moment that he had to restrain himself from catching her up in his arms and taking her to his room.

"Well – I guess that answered that question," she whispered softly, gazing up at him with a mixture of surprise and something else Remus couldn't quite put his finger on glowing in her eyes.

Remus laughed hoarsely, tucking a strand of fiery red behind her ear and running this thumb gently along her jawline and down her throat. "I must say, you are quite stunning when you are speechless."

Tonks smiled up at him, biting her lower lip. That gesture made him want to kiss her again, so he obliged himself. This one was slower, gentler, and infinitely sweeter than the first, born more from desire and a growing happiness than desperation.

This time when they broke apart, Remus heard Tonks sigh as she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. He leaned his chin on her head, surprised and pleased at the giddiness that her closeness invoked.

"So could this be considered our first date?" she asked, her voice muffled by his jumper.

Remus laughed happily, recalling Sirius' words from before. It seemed like a lifetime ago, even though only a few minutes had passed. He knew that for the rest of his life, time would be divided into two parts – before and after he kissed Nymphadora Tonks.

And Remus realized with a growing sense of happiness what it was he had seen in Tonks' eyes after that first searing kiss, because he was quite certain she had seen it in his eyes as well. It was the joyful glow of a person very much in love.


	2. Here

"I'm here."

Remus clung to those words as he grasped her body, shaking like a leaf in the autumn wind as beads of perspiration formed on his forehead. He buried his face in her hair, trying to erase the images of her lying broken and deathly still in the Ministry of Magic and the sounds of Bellatrix's high laughter as she watched her niece fall to the ground.

Tonks could feel him trembling in her arms as she smoothed her hand up and down his back, trying to soothe away the remnants of the recurring nightmare that had robbed Remus of hours of sleep in the past two weeks. "It's alright, love," she whispered fervently into his ear. "I'm here."

"Oh, Merlin, Dora." Lupin tried to collect himself, already coming back to reality thanks to the touch of her hands and the feel of her, whole and alive, in his arms. Her voice was quiet and intoxicating, and he pulled back, his hands framing her sleepy, concerned face so he could look at her properly. She smiled at him reassuringly, reaching up to push back a stray lock of hair from his eyes.

"It's over now."

Lupin shook his head as he released her and threw his long legs over the side of the bed. "But it's not," he replied shakily.

Tonks twisted her hands in her lap, frustrated that she could not help him through this. He still hadn't spoken of that night with her. Every time the names Sirius or Bellatrix came up, Remus' mouth would tighten and his normally enigmatic face would become even harder to read than usual. Tonks had become accustomed to quickly steering the conversation away from her aunt and cousin, but the nightmares that wracked him had become more and more frequent until they were occurring almost every night, sometimes more than once. His blatant refusal to tell her what happened, to share with her one of the most painful nights in his life, hurt her deeply. She had let him get away with not talking about it, writing off her own pain over his apparent lack of trust in her as selfish and childish, two things she fervently hoped he never considered her to be. She didn't know if it was for her protection or his, or both, but things simply could not continue this way. "Maybe it would help if you, well – maybe if you talked about it."

"I can't." Remus stood abruptly, walking to the window of Tonks' bedroom and staring sightlessly down the dark street. "I won't – can't think about that night."

"Remus, please." Tonks slipped from the bed, sliding her arms around his waist and pressing her forehead between his shoulder blades. She felt him stiffen his her embrace, making it like hugging a brick wall. "Just tell me. You can trust me."

Remus turned to face her, and looked down in her eyes. "I know," he murmured, rubbing his hands down her arms. Tonks could see the lines of grief across his face, around his eyes. In the moonlight, he looked about a million years old, though Merlin knew with all the ridiculous fuss he was making over their age gap, she would never say that aloud.

"I just want to be able to take the pain off your face, love," Tonks said, cupping his cheek with her hand.

He placed his hand over hers and closed his eyes for a moment, just relishing her touch. "Come on," he sighed, grabbing her hand and leading her towards the doorway. "If we are going to have this conversation, we'll need some help."

Tonks sat at her kitchen table, watching Remus pour them two glasses of firewhiskey. He slid one in front of her, then sat across from her, studying the contents of his glass with apparent interest. She knew he was simply trying to decide how to start the conversation. She tried very hard to exercise patience, that virtue that seemed to come hardest to her, as she waited for him to find the words he needed to use.

"I was just trying to see past all the spells flying around," he began quietly, still not looking up at her. Tonks knew he was seeing every moment from that night in his mind, and for the hundredth time since she had woken up to find her cousin was dead and her lover was broken, she wished more than anything that she could erase his mind of those horrible images.

"Malfoy had grazed me with a nasty stinging hex, and it was all I could do to get into the room where, well – where he…left us." Just the thought of Sirius, with his devil may care attitude and barking laugh made his chest constrict. "Then I turned, and all I could see was you." Remus paused for a long gulp of the whiskey in his hands. He glanced up to see Tonks watching him quietly, and he couldn't help but give a small smile. "You were going at Bellatrix with all you had, and in that moment I was incredibly proud – of those kids, of the Order, and of you." He reached his hand across the table, and Tonks took it, squeezing his fingers gently as reminder that she was still here. His smile faded from his lips as he continued to recall that fateful evening's events. "I cannot remember any time in the last sixteen years I have ever been so frightened as when I saw Bellatrix hit you with that last spell." His adam's apple bobbed as he swiped a hand down his face, trying to compose himself. "All I could think as I watched you fall was that the last thing we had discussed before we went to the Ministry was who would be cleaning the kitchen after dinner. The last thing I had said to you was some bloody drabble over _cleaning_." He stopped, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "And I remember thinking to myself that I had lost my chance to tell you how much I _loved_ you."

At this, Tonks walked around to him and stood beside him while he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her side as she stroked his head lovingly. She held him that way, trying to gain control of her own tears. Merlin knew that what he didn't need was her getting all weepy. He was the one waking up shouting her name, Sirius' name, Harry's name every night, his eyes wide with terror that left no doubt he was still reliving that hellish night. So much had fallen upon him in the wake of that evening that he had not been able to deal with it in the daytime. She was determined, however, that this night would lessen, if not end, the night terrors that wracked him and shook her to her core. After a minute or two, she grabbed his chin and made him look up at her.

"You need to know this, Remus Lupin. No matter what happens, I will always have the knowledge your love in my last moments, whether it's tomorrow or in fifty years. As, I hope by this time, you will have of mine."

Remus nodded, his eyes still shining but seemingly in more control. Tonks sat in the chair next to him, her hand still in his as he clutched it like a lifeline. "I didn't really have any time to react, then. Malfoy was still trying to hex me, and I saw Bellatrix start in on Sirius." Remus smiled sadly at the memory of watching the cousins battle it out. "I think in that moment, when he was dueling with Bellatrix, he looked happier than I have seen him all year. And then…" he stopped, squeezing his eyes shut as if the harder he squeezed, the blurrier and less painful the memory would become. He rubbed his hand across his face and dragged it through his hair, letting it fall back onto the table. "She hit him, and he stumbled back, through the veil. It happened so fast, but it felt like it took a million years to watch him fall, while I just stood there, fucking _stood_ there, Dora, and watched my best friend leave us. Leave Harry. Leave me."

Tonks bit her lip to keep from sobbing at the pain and self-recrimination in his voice. Her heart wrenched as she realized why Remus had held this in for so long. He was ashamed of himself for not saving Sirius, for not keeping him safe. For not keeping her safe. For not being able to spare a young boy the pain of losing the only real family he had ever known, even if it was for a short time. Sometimes she thought Remus' noble streak was the most self-destructive thing about him. She framed his face with her hands. "Look at me," she said, angry at the tremor in her voice. _She _had to be the strong one now, dammit. Remus avoided her gaze, almost as if he were afraid to accept the forgiveness he would find there. "_Look _at me, Remus!" she said, her voice rising a notch. He finally, slowly looked up at her. "This was not your fault," she whispered fervently. "You must know that. Do you really think you could have kept him away after we got that summons at Grimmauld? Bloody hell, Remus, he would have knocked us all out if he thought for a second we would really try to stop him."

"I should have tied him down in a chair," he said hoarsely around tears that were clogging his throat and threatening to drown him. "I should have hexed the door, the floo. I should have beat him bloody unconscious." The vision of Remus beating anyone unconscious was almost heartbreakingly funny, but Tonks let him continue. "I should have kept him there, somehow. I knew how frustrated he was with being cooped up here." He laughed hollowly. "I thought I'd let him come along, get out some of that energy and anger that's been stirring around inside him since last year. Merlin, what the hell was I _thinking_?"

"We can't live by should'ves, love," replied Tonks. "You think I don't wonder every day what would've happened if I'd been good enough to beat Belltrix? Sirius would still be alive, and I wouldn't have to sit here and watch you suffer because I lost you your best friend and my cousin. The only blood relation I've ever had that didn't consider me a blood-traitor freak."

Remus shook his head and frowned. "You did everything you could, Nymphadora. You fought. I just stood there – "

"And fought your own battle with Malfoy," finished Tonks. She sighed and knelt down next to Remus. "We are all responsible for what happened that night. Including Sirius."

Remus smiled a little. "He always was a bit of a hothead. Running into things before he thought things through. That was always what got him and James in so much trouble at school." His smile faded. "And I was always the one to pull them out of the fire."

"You can't be responsible for everyone's fires, Remus," Tonks said softly.

Remus sighed. "I know," he murmured. Tonks was alarmed to see a tear trickle its way down Remus' face. In all the time she had known him, even after she had woken up in St. Mungo's, Remus sitting there clutching her hand and trying to find a way to say out loud that Sirius was gone, she could not remember ever seeing him cry. "It's just…sometimes I get so angry when I think of him, so pissed off at him for running in there like some damn hero. For a moment I hate him so much for making me feel this way, for leaving us. Then I hate myself for thinking it." He looked at Tonks, tears now pouring from his eyes and his voice shaking uncontrollably. "How could I hate him, Dora? I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, because all I can see is a man who has come to hate his best friend. He's the one who's dead, not me. And it shouldn't be that way!"

Tonks stood and held him in her arms, his face pressed to her stomach as he wetted her tank top with his tears. She held him as he wept for his friends, lost to death and betrayal, and for himself, lost to feelings that were irrational but no less painful. Her own eyes were brimming over, but she was determined to push aside her own pain to help him with his. She knew nothing she said at this moment would assuage the grief that was ripping him in two, so she didn't bother to tell him that _she _was glad it hadn't been him.

When the shudders had stopped and his tears had dried up, Tonks took his hand and pulled him to his feet, leading him back to her room. Without a word, she moved him gently into the bed and tucked him in like a child. Finally, she climbed in the bed behind him, spooning him from behind and trying to erase the vision of the empty eyes she had seen when she looked into his face in the kitchen. Her only comfort that night was the feel of his hand over hers, pressed against his bare chest as if she was the only thing holding him to this earth. She thought he had drifted off to sleep, until a voice broke the silence of the night, soft and frightened as a child's. "Please don't let go."

Tonks kissed the back of his neck and nuzzled her face in his hair. "I won't," she promised. "I'm here."

They did not wake until the sun broke the horizon.


	3. Hard

"This is a very important thing you can do for us, Remus."

Dumbledore could not have said anything more convincing to Lupin than those words. "Of course, sir. I will begin straightaway." Dumbledore nodded, turning to leave the kitchen in Grimmauld Place for the last time. They were trying to collect or destroy everything that could possibly have given them away to Death Eaters before vacating their soon-to-be-ex-headquarters, and Dumbledore had come to him with a new mission as he was cleaning out the kitchen cupboards.

"Sir?"

Dumbledore stopped and turned to find Remus staring blindly at the cabinet doors, gripping their handles until his knuckles turned white. "Yes, Remus?"

"I – before you say anything tonight…I need to – " Remus struggled for the words that were having a hard time getting past the lump in his throat. When Dumbledore had mentioned this new assignment, a horrifying seed had planted itself into his brain, and with each passing moment that seed had grown out of control. Remus knew he would have to make a very difficult decision in the next few hours, one that was sure to break at least two hearts. He cleared his throat and continued. "Sir, I need to talk to Tonks – Nymphadora – before the meeting. She deserves not to be surprised." _Not to have her heart broken publicly. Not to be enamored with a broken freak. Not to love me._

Dumbledore stared at Remus for a moment, and he could swear that the headmaster had read those unspoken thoughts as if reading a child's primer. Remus almost smiled at the thought that he was that easy, that transparent to the insightful gaze of this wizard. "Remus," he said quietly. "I am not doing this, asking this of you, because I wish it. It is simply what is necessary. Do not assume that I am assigning you amongst them because I believe you to be _one_ of them." He stopped, trying to decipher if anything he could tell Lupin at this moment would change his thoughts about the mission or, more importantly, about himself. "We all have our demons," he finished. "Don't let yours take you from us."

Remus bowed his head, eyes squeezed shut, and said hoarsely, "Please just let me tell her."

Dumbledore nodded, realizing he had said all there was to say on the matter – for now. "Of course." He turned and left the kitchen, the weight of leadership weighing more heavily than usual upon his shoulders.

Remus watched the headmaster leave the kitchen, as the taste of bile rose in his throat. _Living with the werewolves._ Lupin shook his head as he tried to grasp what the leader of the Order had just required of him. _There are many ways to fight the enemy,_ he had said. _One is to recruit all those we can to fight for the good. _Remus did not know how much progress he would be able to make, but it was the least he could do. He had always felt guilty that he didn't really have much to contribute to the Order. He had no money, and his werewolf status had made him impossible to employ. Kingsley, Mad-Eye, Arthur and Tonks had their positions at the Ministry; Molly served as the team mother, for lack of better description; and of course Minerva and Dumbledore had their work in Hogwarts. What was left for him? Team Mascot?

Remus shook himself from those bitter thoughts, which had become more and more pronounced since Sirius had died. Damn, that was still hard to say, even in his own mind. The relief from his midnight conversation with Tonks two days ago had been short-lived; the guilt that still weighed heavily upon him regarding the events of the evening in the Department of Mysteries felt like more than he could bear at times. Remus knew that Tonks wanted to share that burden with him, to help him through his misery and pain, but he wasn't sure it was a burden he could share.

Maybe this assignment could help him atone for some of that remorse, for those dark, unwanted feelings he often found prickling in the back of his mind. In a way, a part of him was almost looking forward to this new mission. He knew the hardest part of all this was going to be telling Tonks. She had already been through enough with him, now this.

"I'd recommend just ending the whole thing," came a drawling voice from the doorway. Remus' head whipped up at the sound of Snape's voice, his body stiffening for the coming confrontation. He and Severus were not exactly close, though the relationship between him and Snape was downright friendly compared to that of Snape and Sirius. However, since Sirius' death, Remus had found that Snape's presence irritated him more than usual. Remus often wondered if Sirius had not managed to possess him. Today was no better; in fact, Remus couldn't think of anyone else he'd rather see less. Except maybe her, because he dreaded that conversation more than any other.

"Excuse me?"

Snape remained in the doorway, staring assessingly at Lupin with his coal-black gaze and an undefinable smirk on his face. "Well, even you must admit that this…relationship, if you'd call it that, with Nymphadora may be a problem with the ferals."

The knowledge that Snape had eavesdropped on his conversation with Dumbledore was not as infuriating as his inference to his and Tonks' relationship. He clenched his fists to his side and stared back at Snape. "I don't think that is any of your business, Severus," he said coolly.

"Please," scoffed Snape. "As if I had any interest in your personal life, as much as I find your little fling with Nymphadora to be rather lacking in sense and taste. Don't you find that girl's sense in fashion and….personal appearance to be the least bit ridiculous? I would have assumed that she would be interested in someone who could take her out for something other than a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. Or does she enjoy picking up the tab?"

Remus struggled not to punch that hooked nose right into the back of his skull. He knew Snape was simply trying to goad him into a fight, in which Remus was frankly too tired to engage.

Snape must have realized he was not going to be able to provoke Lupin in this fashion. He pursued a second tactic that proved to be much more devastating than the first. "Well, Lupin, exactly how long do you think it will take for Fenrir Greyback to smell that little witch on you?" He stepped slowly across the room, continuing to stare coldly at Remus. "I'm quite sure it would be upsetting to come out from the lair one day to discover that Greyback had managed to find her and – how to delicately put this? – _eliminate_ your last remaining connection to wizardkind."

Remus felt the blood drain from his face as the seed which had sprouted in his mind at Dumbledore's request bloomed into a full vision of the screams of his lover, Greyback's triumphant howl and his own cries as his Dora bled to death in his arms. "Get away from me," he croaked, and Snape backed away slowly with a smirk. He turned to leave the kitchen, looking over his shoulder. "Just giving you something to…chew on."

Remus felt his stomach heave as Snape exited the kitchen, and he soon found himself leaning over the kitchen sink, retching the contents of his stomach as he thought of what exactly Greyback and his followers would do if they found out about Tonks. Sitting heavily at the table, he tried to work out the best way to approach this with her. But this he knew – he was determined to end things now, before it was too late. She would not, by damn, become another statistic of Voldemort. Not after James and Lily and Sirius had already given up their lives. Not after Remus had already lost all the people save one who truly knew him and loved him for who he was beyond his furry little problem.

Tonks chose that time to enter the kitchen with an armload of maps and parchments. "Wotcher, Remus!" she said cheerfully, dumping the contents of her arms onto the table in front of him. "Could you help me sort out these papers and maps here? I swear, this organization keeps everything ever written on a piece of parchment – what is it, Remus?"

He found he was staring up at her, soaking in every feature, every sparkle in those eyes that today were brilliant green, trying to remember how she looked when she was happy, because he was very afraid it would be the last time he would ever see her that way. He motioned for her to sit across from him. "I need to talk with you, Nymphadora."

Her eyes grew wary, knowing by the use of her hated full first name that this was going to be a serious conversation. "You know how I hate it when you call me that, Remus," she said with a false brightness that didn't quite make its way onto her face. She sat slowly next to him, taking his hand in hers. ""What is it?"

The simple touch of her hand in his made him almost lose his conviction, but he knew this conversation, however much dreaded, was crucial to his ability to carry out this mission. He withdrew his hand from Tonks', placing it carefully in his lap. "Dumbledore came to speak with me today."

"Oh?" Tonks looked inquiringly at Remus, the slight hurt from Remus' silent rejection of her touch evident on her face. "What's up? A new assignment?"

"Yeah." Remus swallowed hard, trying to figure out how this would be easiest for the both of them, quickly realizing nothing would make this easy. "I'm going to place myself amongst Fenrir Greyback's pack. I leave tonight."

Tonks looked stunned, staring at Remus uncomprehendingly. "But, I don't – doesn't he know he turned you? That this – "

"Of course he does," Remus snapped. "He would not ask this of me if he didn't think it necessary." _And appropriate_, he thought morosely, despite the words from Dumbledore to the contrary.

"I – I know," said Tonks in a small voice. She looked down at her hands, which had begun trembling slightly. "Will you have to…stay away?"

Remus hung his head. "Yes."

Tonks nodded. "Well, I figured. I mean,it would be pretty odd for you to come back here. Or not here, but the Burrow, or my flat, or wherever." She looked at him, searching his face as if understanding there was more to this. "You'll make reports and such. We'll see each other then." She reached out and touched his face. "I'll wait for you. You have to know that."

Remus recoiled from her hand, leaving Tonks bewildered and on the brink of tears. "Remus, for Merlin's sake, what is wrong?"

"You shouldn't have to wait for me," he said roughly, shoving back from his spot at the table. "You shouldn't be with me at all."

"Remus, what are you doing?" His heart nearly broke at the sound of tears in her voice, but he pushed forward.

"I am ending this before we can't go back," he pronounced. "This…affair. It has to end. Now."

He wasn't sure what he expected from Tonks, but she managed to surprise him, as she usually did. Instead of crying or getting angry, she burst into incredulous laughter.

"This _affair_? Remus, what the hell are you talking about? Have you lost your mind? Did you think that this assignment would keep me away from you, keep me from loving you? I love you, you git! Living with werewolves won't change that." Tonks smiled uncertainly up at him.

Remus turned from her as he dealt the final blow. "I don't love you, Nymphadora."

There was no sound from behind him, as if with those words he had frozen the entire world. Seconds of agony crawled by in what seemed like days. This lie, borne from a desperate attempt to save her, seemed to have sucked all the air from the room and the life from Tonks' body. Then, a quiet, frightened voice. "You don't mean that, Remus Lupin. Please just say you don't mean that."

"I can't," he said hoarsely, not turning to look at her. Because if he turned around, she would know immediately that it was, in fact, a lie. If he looked at her face, in her eyes, he would become so lost he could not bear to tell her no. "You need to move on, Tonks. Find someone your age, someone who loves you and can be there for you. This – what we had, it's done. Even if I did love you, I'm too old, too poor and too dangerous."

"This is shit, Remus!" Tonks bit out, pushing back from her chair and sending it crashing back onto the floor. "You can't do this! I won't let you!" She grabbed the back of his robes, trying to spin him around to look at her. "Look at me and tell me you want this!"

Remus tried to shove away from her and turned in time to watch her lose her balance and fall back against the table. The anguish in her eyes, the broken trust that lay between them like an impenetrable gulf, nearly broke him. He took all the anger and bitterness built up in his soul and threw it at the person who deserved it the least. "I don't love you," he spat. "I thought I did, but it was only a fantasy I created for myself, something to justify sleeping with you. But it's time for me to cut my losses. I can't have anything distracting me while I'm with Greyback's pack."

"Is that what I am? A distraction and nothing more?" The expression on Tonks' face nearly broke his heart, but he was determined to save her – from herself, from Greyback, from _him_.

"I'm sorry," he stated flatly, turning his attention to the parchments on the table. Anything to avoid looking at the crushed woman trembling in front of him. "But you need to move on. As do I."

Tonks watched him, her eyes glistening with tears. "I know you don't mean this," she whispered desperately. "I know that this is some kind of…ridiculous shit to protect me, or yourself, or something just as stupid and pointless. I am not going to let you do this."

Remus arched his eyebrow in what he considered to be a rather convincing facsimile of scorn. "Oh, really? I believe that the decisions I make involving my life are no concern of yours any longer."

"Please don't do this, Remus."

"It's done," he said flatly, gathering the maps and parchments to cover the tremors in his hands. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to start planning for my new assignment." Remus strode out of the kitchen, the sounds of Tonks' quiet sobbing ringing in his ears. He made it up to his bedroom before the trembling in his hands spread throughout his body, causing him to drop the rolls of paper on the floor. He sank slowly to the floor, his back against the door and his head between his knees. His body shook with sobs, his fingers laced in his hair. The knowledge of what he had done, what he had lost, filled his soul and left him feeling as if he were drowning, beyond all hope of rescue.

As quickly as he had drowned, he found himself empty – of tears, of happiness, of hope. A very small part of him was grateful; if he felt this way before entering into the living hell of Greyback's world, there was nothing left for the ferals to strip from him.

He left that night, with only the clothes on his back and the knowledge that he now had nothing to lose. After all, the last of his joy was still sitting in the basement of Grimmauld Place, her face pale and drawn, locks of mousy brown hanging forlornly down her back.


	4. Hurt

Christmas was approaching, but Nymphadora Tonks was decidedly not in the holiday spirit.

Tonks sighed heavily as she placed the dishes in the cupboard at The Burrow, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that Molly would have a fit if she were to find her touching her flatware. She wouldn't have had to worry, Tonks thought, an ironic smile crossing her face for a brief moment. It had been six months since she had broken anything.

In fact, in those six months since she had seen Remus Lupin, she had managed to remain accident-free.

The change was not lost on those around her. Molly seemed to have stopped cringing every time Tonks approached the kitchen door, and Mad Eye had stopped keeping his magical eye fixed in her direction, waiting for a stumble or a case of the dropsies. Tonks was privately very grateful for this sudden change, as it meant her inability to morph didn't mean she would look like the wrong end of a barroom brawl.

Most of her evenings consisted of an Apparition back to her flat and a quiet night in bed, curled in a ball and staring out the window at the moon. There were so many nights she wished she could just reach out and touch the silver orb, because just maybe if she could feel that lunar surface Remus would somehow know she was thinking of him. Just maybe, she could feel him, too – hold on to that last piece of the man she loved, no matter how far removed it was from actually feeling the touch of his skin under her palm.

Merlin, how she missed that. The smoothness of his skin, broken only by the rough ridges of scars from full moons past. He was all angles and lean muscle, which had fit so perfectly with her curves that she thought perhaps they had been cut from the same mold and broken apart, left to find each other and complete the puzzle.

She remembered the first morning she had woken up not to feel those angles fitting snugly behind her, shock then realization setting in about what had occurred the night before. Numbness was all that had gotten her through dinner, through the final Order meeting in Grimmauld Place. She was grateful to never have to walk into that house again; it was too full of the Black family, Sirius and Remus for it to be emotionally comfortable for her. She did not ever want to walk into the kitchen again, that place where she had experienced the best and worst moments of her life, where the man she loved had woken her up inside and less than a year later broken her into pieces.

There was no doubt that she was broken. The entire next day had found her unable to move from her bed, curled into herself and weeping as if the world had ended. Which for her, it had. Only days after his declaration of love for her, sitting in her kitchen and clutching her hand as if her touch was the only thing that could keep him from the nightmare that had eaten away at his nights, he had simply walked away.

She knew he was doing this to protect her – from Greyback, from himself. It didn't make the situation any less real or painful. She had no idea what she could say or do to make this right. She hadn't even known where he was, or _if_ he was. Greyback wasn't guaranteed to take to this werewolf who had come from the wizarding world; though Dumbledore had felt rather confident in Remus' cover, there was always the chance that Greyback would see through it and take care of him before he had even gotten through his first change with the pack. That thought, the terrifying realization that she may never see him again, never get to make things right, almost paralyzed her every time she had considered it. Even after he came back with his first report, looking tired and wasted but at least whole, those horrifying thoughts still haunted her on those full moon nights.

Since then, she had only seen him at meetings; he would come in through the back door, looking pale and more emaciated every time she saw him, which was very little. Tonks wasn't sure if this was a blessing or a curse, torn between her desperate desire to see with her own eyes that he was still alive and the pain that seared through her heart every time she saw him walk away back into the night, not having even glanced at her during the entire meeting.

Tonks was brought from her reverie by a sudden gust of wind as the door to the Burrow swung open. Tonks' wand was out and ready to strike as her head whipped around to find Molly Weasley, her cheeks flushed and breath coming out in puffs of steam from her mouth. The chill of the wind bit right through Tonks' robes, and the brightly colored packages Molly was carrying bitterly reminded Tonks that she would be spending a Christmas alone once again. Molly and Arthur had, on multiple occasions, invited her to join them for a family holiday – "You know, Tonks dear, that you are a part of this clan as much as Charlie," Molly had reminded her – but Tonks made her excuses: she didn't wish to intrude, she had plans, anything to keep from having to possibly face Remus on what should have been a very happy occasion, one celebrating family and love. For she knew, beyond a shadow, where the werewolf would be staying for Christmas. The thought of having to act cheery and joyful, when she really wanted nothing more than to sink in a hole and stay there for a very long time, ranked somewhere around unbearable, inching closer to impossible as time wore on.

"Oh!" Molly gave a little shriek upon seeing Tonks, mousy haired and pale, sitting at her kitchen table. She clutched a bag-laden hand to her chest and let out a huff of astonishment. "My dear, you scared the curses out of me!"

""Sorry, Molly," Tonks said apologetically, putting away her wand. "I guess we're all a little jumpy these days. D'you need help with those?"

Molly shook her head as she dumped the packages on the table. She glanced casually over her shoulder at Tonks as she began stuffing the packages in the back of the kitchen cupboard. "No, I'm fine. Are you staying for dinner?"

Tonks hesitated. "Well – I wouldn't want to impose – "

Molly tutted. "Not another word," she said briskly as she deftly shrunk the packages to an infantesimal size, as to avoid the prying eyes of her extremely curious and cunning children. "There's always enough for others. You know by now you are welcome anytime."

Tonks nodded, twisting her hands in her lap. Sometimes Molly and Arthur felt more like her parents than her own did. Not that Andromeda and Ted Tonks did not love their child; however, both of them had just managed to survive the first war, and they did not approve of or understand their daughter's loyalty to the Order. As far as they were concerned, anyone in the Order was simply suicidal, and Nymphadora was just destined to become another statistic. Tonks found it difficult to be around them, as every conversation involved them trying to convince her to come to her senses and abandon the cause. She knew they meant well, but fighting what often felt like a losing battle was difficult enough; she did not need the discouragement of her parents to top it all off. Especially since Remus had left. She felt badly enough about herself without anyone's help, thank you very much.

"I can help with dinner, Molly," she said, standing and walking towards the cupboard. "What can I do?"

Molly glanced at her warily, and Tonks couldn't help but offer a tiny smile. "Don't worry, Molly. I can't seem to hurt myself or drop anything lately. I think I'm in a funk." Her smile died as her attempt at a joke struck entirely too close to home.

Molly looked at her with so much pity that Tonks was horrified to find tears lurking beneath her eyelids. "He still hasn't spoken with you when he comes to meetings?" she asked gently, placing a motherly arm on Tonks' shoulder.

Tonks shook her head wordlessly, afraid anything she would try to say would come out as a croak past the lump in her throat that threatened to choke her. She turned abruptly back to the cupboard and started pulling out pots, anything to keep from drowning in the pity in Molly's eyes. "What're you going to fix, Molly?"

Molly sighed, realizing that Tonks most certainly did not want to discuss her and Remus. "Dear, why don't you let me –"

She was cut off by an abrupt knock on the door. Both women turned and looked in surprise at the door. "Well, I wonder," muttered Molly, approaching the door. "Who is it?" she called out, her wand hidden in the fold of her skirt. You couldn't be too careful these days, even in broad daylight.

"Molly, it's Remus."

Time stood still for Tonks as that familiar, hoarse voice came quietly through the door, knocking her back into the kitchen chair.

Molly was so startled she abandoned the requisite question and answer session and threw open the door to find the emaciated man with sunken eyes leaning against the doorjamb. He looked as if he had aged a thousand years in the past few months, new cuts and scars on his face and the look of a man who had not seen a good meal in weeks. But nothing could hide the sly humor and intelligence in his blue eyes that marked him clearly as Remus Lupin.

"Molly," he rasped, smiling down at her from a dirt-streaked face. "You really should have asked me the security question. We do that for a reason, and Arthur…" the sentence died off in his throat as he looked beyond Molly to see Tonks staring at him from the kitchen table, she lips tightly pursed and face pale and drawn. "Oh, I – I didn't know you had company. I can come back –"

"Don't be ridiculous, Remus," Molly said briskly, quickly assessing his state as she pulled him into the house. "You look horrible, my dear. Please, come in and go get cleaned up. You can use some of Fred and George's clothes, or Arthur's, whichever fit best. The children are at Diagon Alley with Arthur visiting the twins, they should be home shortly, and then we can all sit down for dinner. You look like you could use a good meal or two." Molly knew she was babbling, but the silence between the two ex-lovers was too pronounced. "How long are you going to be able to stay?"

Remus looked down at Molly, grateful for a distraction. Tonks was still staring at him intensely, and he needed to focus on something, _anything_ than the haunted look on her face. "Not too long, I'm afraid. I just wanted to check up on you all, give you and Arthur a brief report to pass on to the rest of the Order. Dinner sounds wonderful, though." He braved a look over at the kitchen table, not quite meeting Tonks' eyes. "Nymphadora. How are you?"

Tonks registered that he had spoken to her. "Fine," she said in a strangled voice, sounding everything but. Her brain frantically searched for something to say to him. "You?" Brilliant. She could still form one-syllable words.

"Good," he replied a little too quickly, turning his attention back to Molly. "I'll, ah, just go up and wash." He beat a hasty retreat toward the staircase.

"Oh, my," muttered Molly, fluttering back to the pots and working quickly. "Must get dinner on. The rest of the brood should be here soon."

Tonks finally found her legs and stood stiffly. "Molly, I'm going to –"

"Stay right where you are, young lady," Molly said, suddenly stern. Tonks plonked back down in her seat. "You cannot avoid him forever, Tonks. If you have something to say to him you should say it."

Tonks was a bit taken aback by Molly's bluntness. Though her words were harsh, her eyes were gentle and nearly brought Tonks to tears. "I – I can't," she whispered, tears and the sharp bite of panic clogging her throat. "He obviously doesn't want –"

"Oh, posh," scoffed Molly. "That man doesn't know what he wants. He can barely think right now. But I know one thing." She sat across from Tonks, taking her cold hand in her own warm one. "Remus still loves you. And you have to trust that."

"He left me," Tonks blurted, unable to hold in the bitterness and hurt that accompanied the tears now streaking her face. "He said he didn't love me. That he never had. He's too old for me, he's a werewolf, he can't support me, whatever he can think of to keep me away. What am I supposed to do, Molly? What am I supposed to say?"

"Tell him how you feel. And don't let him turn away from it," Molly put in at the dubious look on Tonks' face. "Keep at him. I know that it's hard, and it may be the hardest thing you have ever done. But it's worth it. It always is." She patted Tonks' hand. "Now, come help me with dinner. I've heard you've become quite the graceful one."

Tonks gave a watery laugh and stood with Molly, moving to the cupboard. They worked in companionable silence until Arthur and the children arrived, filling the house with noise and so much ruckus that Molly threatened them all if they did not exit her kitchen at once. As they were setting the table, Remus sauntered into the kitchen, looking less like death warmed over but still painfully thin. "Can I help?"

"No, dear, we're almost done here," said Molly, bringing the bread to the table. "If you could just go get the children and Arthur and tell them dinner's on the table."

"Of course." He hesitated in the doorway, as if he wanted to say something more but couldn't find the words. Tonks glanced up at him to find him staring intensely at her back, but as soon as he caught her gazing at him he turned abruptly to leave.

Molly and Tonks watched him walk away. Tonks straightened, her face set with a determination Molly hadn't seen there in months. "Excuse me, Molly," she said, walking purposefully out of the kitchen. She did not turn, and therefore did not see the grin spreading slowly over Molly's face.

She found him in Ron's bedroom, telling him, Harry and Hermione that dinner was ready. She let the children pass him, then stood in the doorway as if daring him to try to pass. "Remus, I want to talk with you."

"About what, Nymphadora?" he asked, sounding more tired than she had ever heard him. He looked defeated, shoulders slumped and weary, as if he wouldn't challenge her even if he wanted to. She decided to use that to her advantage in this conversation.

"About us," she said shortly.

"There is no us."

"Well, I think there should be." She walked over to him until she was right in front of him. "This is stupid, Remus. I'm not happy, you're not happy. This is doing neither of us any good. All I can ever think about is how you are, where you are. Merlin, Remus, did you think we could just cut this off, never see each other again and it be done? I'm in love with you!" she fairly shouted as he tried to turn away from her. "_Don't _you turn from me, you selfish little prat!" She was trembling now, unable to control the pitch or tone of her voice, but she was beyond caring. She would say what she had to say, and if he couldn't deal with it that was just too bloody bad.

"We shouldn't be doing this," rasped Remus, looking everywhere but down at her face. "Molly – Arthur – the children –"

"Oh, bollocks," shouted Tonks, grabbing his arm and pulling out her wand. "We _will_ have this conversation, Remus Lupin!"

In the next moment, she and Remus were standing in her bedroom. He looked around, realizing that he was trapped. "Dammit, Tonks, you could have splinched us both in your state," he muttered, pulling away from him and striding towards the door.

"_Mobulus!" _Tonks shouted, sending her bureau sliding in front of the door. "You are not leaving until you talk to me!"

"Tonks, there is nothing for me to say to you," Remus sighed resignedly.

"Well, I have plenty to say to you," she announced, riding the adrenaline of her emotions. "Have you seen me? Really seen me in the last few months, Remus? I can't do this anymore. I can't listen to your excuses and all the bollocks you threw at me when you walked away. I know it wasn't true. I know it." If it was, it would be more devastating than what he had already done. She grabbed her hair, pulling it towards him. "See this? This is me, Remus. No morphing. I can't. I can't even bloody change my nose for fun. Why do you think that is?"

Remus swallowed hard, staring at her hair as if it were a snake. "I – I don't know."

"Oh, you bloody well do, Remus," she hissed, her hands clenched in fists at her sides. "I can't even have a good trip down the bloody stairs anymore! You've destroyed me, Remus," she cried, her voice catching as she was consumed by an anger and sorrow so deep she could hardly breathe with its intensity. She raised her fists and started whaling at his chest. "And I want to hate you but I can't! I can't, I – oh Merlin!" She began sobbing in earnest as he grabbed her wrists to fend off her attack. "I love you, you stupid git!"

Remus wrapped his arms around her as she sunk to the floor. "I'm so sorry," he rasped as she cried into his chest. "I never meant to hurt you."

"Touch me, Remus," she gasped urgently. "Please, please, I need you to touch me."

And suddenly his lips were crushing hers with a passion so intense that she saw stars for a moment. She recovered quickly, returning the kiss with equal passion. Their hands were all over each other, touching every part of one another as if for the first and last time, feeling for what seemed like the first time in months. The numbness had been replaced by an aching desire that neither of them could control. Remus picked her up with a strength she didn't know he still possessed, not breaking the kiss as he took her to the bed and laid her down. Their clothes were discarded in a matter of moments, and now as their skin connected the ache of desire turned into a need that was so physically painful they both moaned. She could feel him, growing harder and ready for her, even as a hot ball of lust bloomed in her groin and flowed between her legs, waiting for him.

Their lovemaking had been many things in the past – gentle and slow, teasing, playful, fast and frenetic. But never had it had this kind of desperation and urgency, like if they should let each other go they would fly away into the darkness. His hands were like fire on her skin, igniting everything they touched, and all that could be heard were the pants and gasps of two people who needed each other beyond any comprehension. She heard him groan as he pushed inside her, uniting them as one for these brief moments they had together. All thoughts of what had been, what would be were pushed aside as they came together, clinging to one another desperately. He moaned her name, her full first name, into her hair as he poured himself into her, and never had it sounded more sweet.

They did not move for a very long time, her head on his chest and their legs twined together, each listening to the other breathe in the darkness. Finally, Tonks broke the silence.

"Thank you."

She felt Remus shift underneath her, and his hand stroked the hair, still mousy brown, back from her face. "I shouldn't have let that happen," he murmered.

Tonks looked up at his face. She couldn't read it, but she had a pretty good idea of what was going on in that brain of his. "I am not sure I would have given you much choice," she said frankly.

"Dora, we can't – it doesn't change –"

"I know," she said softly, and she did. Tomorrow, he would be back with the pack, leaving her with excuses involving his furry little problem, his age, his finances. Right now, she didn't care. Without a doubt, she knew the words Molly had spoken in the kitchen were true. She couldn't give up on him – on them – because no matter what he said, Remus Lupin still loved her. That nasty little doubt in her mind that maybe, just maybe she was wrong, maybe he didn't care for her like she did for him, was swept away, leaving only the determination that no matter how fast he ran, she could be faster.

"Could you just hold me for a little while, Remus?"

In response, he gathered her in his arms, holding her as though she were a precious gift, one that may break if he wasn't careful. She smiled a little at the thought. He so often forgot that inside that small body there was a toughness that could not be broken, one that would prove his undoing it he end.

When she awoke the next morning, he was walking out the door. She sat up in the bed, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. "You weren't even going to say goodbye?" she asked, causing him to turn and look at her.

"I thought this way might be easier," he said. She didn't know if he meant for her or himself, or both.

"Nothing about this is easy, Remus."

"Nymphadora." So he was back to her full name. "You need to move on. I have nothing left to give you." He looked at her and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry."

She waited for him to go out the door and shut it behind him. "I'm sorry, too," she muttered. "Because I am not going to leave you alone. Not now, not ever."

She rolled out of bed, a sudden sharp pain in her right arm making her stop short. When she looked down, she saw the beginnings of a large bruise forming on her wrist. It was in the shape of Remus' palm. Unexpectedly, she felt herself begin to smile in earnest for the first time in a while. It was the first bruise she had gotten since he left her standing in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, alone and broken. She inspected the place on her arm, wincing a little as she fingered the outline of his hand, a symbol of their desperate encounter the night before.

Suddenly, she was very glad indeed that she could not cover this one up.


	5. Harm

The first thing Remus Lupin became aware of as he regained consciousness was the fact that he was very, very cold. The ground was hard beneath him, and the hazy April air bit into him, making him realize very quickly that he was very naked. His body trembled uncontrollably, the effects of the change still draining him so that he could barely stand. He tried to focus on where he was, where he should go in order to retain some modicum of decency and dignity; to his relief, he found that he was right outside the lair of the feral pack he had been a part of for what felt like an eternity. He crawled to where he had left his clothes the night before and was dressing when he heard a mocking laugh behind him. He turned quickly, almost losing his footing, to find Mephisto Grimm, Fenrir's right hand man, smirking at him.

"Top o' the morning, Remus," he said coldly. "My, you're an embarrassment. In wolf form and human, apparently."

Remus quickly finished dressing, his eyes not leaving Mephisto's face. He knew why Grimm was taunting him, a scarce but vivid memory of last night still branded in his mind. He did not always remember what he did in werewolf form, both a blessing and a curse. There were some things he did while not under the influence of the Wolfsbane potion that he was glad he could not remember.

But last night, their hunt had taken them into a nearby Muggle village. This he remembered, recalling the screams of the villagers begging them not to do it, as though those monsters that were dragging them out of bed and viciously turning them or simply having fun with their lives – and deaths – would actually listen to their tortured cries. He felt the bile rise in his throat as he remembered the taste of blood, metallic, sweet and sharp, that had filled his mouth as he had ripped into the madly braying sheep before making his way into one of the small houses that were dotted on the once-peaceful English countryside. There was the sickening memory of the hot pleasure burning through him as the wolf threw himself on top of a woman, her screams of agony urging him forward; then, the he had looked the woman in the face.

The heart shape of her face, the small upturned nose, and chocolate brown eyes, now filled with bright terror, had brought Remus screaming back to the surface, and the wolf backpedaled quickly, leaving the woman, trembling and sobbing, in her kitchen. What had allowed Remus to gain control, even for a second, of the monster that possessed him, he would never know. But the thought of, for the rest of his life, having to remember ripping apart the likeness of Nymphadora Tonks was entirely too much to bear. The nightmares of Remus Lupin were in the forefront of the wolf's mind, confusing him. The alien act of feeling something for his potential victim had disoriented the wolf, sending him running back into the woodlands in search of other prey.

"How many did you turn last night, Remus?" Grimm sneered, stalking closer to him. "Ten? Twenty? Oh, wait, no. _None_." Remus stared at him coldly, meeting Grimm's calculating stare. He knew if he didn't, the likelihood of him making it out of this clearing alive was slim. Grimm was in his face now, his breath making Remus want to gag. "Too much time in the wizarding world, if you ask me. Tell me, Remus, how far _are _you willing to go to prove your loyalty to us?"

"I've done nothing to betray Fenrir, or this pack," said Remus steadily, a knot cold in his stomach at the thought of what Grimm could potentially ask of him.

"You've not done much at all, as I recall," replied Grimm, his gaze assessing Remus, looking for an ounce of fear or hesitation. "In fact, there is some stirring amongst the younger people, a rumor that you have been trying to turn them against Fenrir. So why in the world should I believe that you have any loyalty to us?"

Remus chose his words carefully, hoping that his pounding heart was not as audible to Grimm as it was in his own ears. "I have not been trying to spread dissension, Grimm," he said evenly. "I want to know where we stand in this war. What will we best for us, as a pack. What side will bring us the most advantage."

Grimm laughed scornfully. "As if there was a question, Lupin. D'you really think that after all the wizarding world has done to us, we would ever be willing to help them?" He moved forward, causing Remus to stumble back. "To the wizards, we are nothing," he spat viciously. "Less than nothing. If they had their way, we would all be destroyed like mongrels, like monsters." He smiled coldly. "The Dark Lord sees us for what we are. An asset. _Powerful_. Why would we turn on him to join forces with the same group that would see us eliminated?"

"Not all wizards are as close-minded as that, Mephisto." Remus did not break eye contact. "Some of them, even some of the powerful ones, recognize what we can do for them. Albus Dumbledore – "

"Dumbledore is an old fool," laughed Grimm. "His time has past. We must align ourselves with those who are ascending, those who will have the power to change the world for us." His steel gray eyes were gleaming like daggers. "Imagine the freedom to hunt, to live. Imagine the power we will have once the Dark Lord has come to rule. We will be unstoppable. The question, Lupin, is where you will stand."

The thought of these ferals, this pack, becoming unstoppable nearly made Remus ill. His determination to infiltrate these people, to bring over some of the younger ones, those who had not had enough of the taste of human flesh to be impenetrable, was strengthened as he looked into the cold, dead eyes of Grimm. "I will stand with those who serve me the most advantage, of course." There, that was ambiguous.

Grimm seemed to look right through him. "And exactly who would that be, Lupin?" he asked softly. "Rumor has it that not all your ties to wizardkind have been broken. What kind of…_advantages_ have you been taking from your fellow wizards? Or witch, as I heard."

The sexual innuendo was not lost on Remus as he felt the icy ball in his stomach spread throughout his gut. He struggled to retain his composure, knowing that his life, and hers, depended on how he answered this challenge. "I have neither asked for, nor taken anything from the wizards," he said roughly. "I am insulted that you think so little of me, Grimm. All that matters to me now is the welfare of this pack. Just because I did not turn anyone last night does not prove or disprove my loyalty to you and Fenrir." The lie felt heavy and bitter on his tongue, but it was necessary.

Grimm studied him closely for a full minute. Finally, he stepped back slowly. "We'll see, Lupin," he growled. "Just remember – Fenrir is not nearly as forgiving as me. Do not give us a reason to doubt you. We will eliminate you – and anyone else necessary – if we feel you have betrayed us in any way." He began to leave, paused and looked at Remus one last time. "We know how to find her, Lupin. I would watch your step if I were you."

Remus watched him go, and the fatigue from his change would have been welcome to the terror that gripped him to his core. It took everything left in him to not collapse in a heap there on the hard dirt of the clearing. He stumbled away towards the woods, trying to get far enough away from where he had been that he was fairly certain Grimm would not double back and see him apparate.

He ended up in Hogsmeade, its streets as bare as a ghost town, with only a few witches and wizards hurrying from one place to the next. As the months had passed since Voldemort's return, the streets had become less and less populated, until people were going out solely to accomplish their business. However, he knew that the Order had a small force stationed at the inn next to the Hog's Head, and that was where he made his way. He had no idea what rooms they were occupying or even if they were there at the moment, but his need to reassure himself that Tonks was safe, was whole overpowered any logical thought. He _had _to warn her. Protect her.

To his luck, he found Mad-Eye Moody leaving the inn. His magical eye assessed Remus' wasted and shabby form. "Remus, what's happened?"

"I – I need to talk to you. Where's Nymphadora?" he croaked, barely recognizing the sound of his own voice.

"She's at Hogwarts. Come on, let's go to my room." Mad Eye turned and led Remus into the inn. His room was full of all kinds of equipment, curse detectors, and other various items for fighting and warding off dark magic. Remus smiled despite himself. Mad-Eye's magical eye swiveled towards Remus, glaring at him eerily. "Constant vigilance," he declared, and Remus sobered quickly. Mad-Eye's paranoia was possibly the only thing Remus could count on to keep Tonks safe. "What can I do for you, Lupin? You look horrible."

"Thank you, Mad-Eye," said Remus dryly. He sat heavily on the edge of Moody's bed, the springs creaking ominously even under his slight weight. "I have a concern about – about Tonks' safety."

"Oh?" asked Moody, studying him this time with both eyes. "And why would that be?"

Remus drew in a deep breath, trying to put into the words the fear that wanted to overcome him and leave him breathless. "I just had a conversation with Mephisto Grimm. He knows." He felt his breath catch, and leaned his elbows against his knees with his head in his hands, trying to keep his composure. "He – and Fenrir – they know about me and Nymphadora. I don't know how much, but they know there is – was – something there." He look up at Moody. "He threatened to eliminate her, Alastor. And I can't let that happen."

Moody didn't say anything for a moment. "Why would he be in a position to threaten you?"

Remus sighed and looked back down at this shoes. "The change, last night. We went to a Muggle village." Remus felt more than heard Mad-Eye shift across the room, and knew that he had heard, had most likely been a part of cleaning up the mess. Remus nearly choked on his shame. "I didn't turn anyone. Or kill. I – I almost did, but something stopped me. It made me look weak. Like I was not a part of them. It was the first time with them that I had been allowed on a hunt. It was a huge step towards building that trust with them." He blew out a breath. "And I blew it."

"You're too much of a human, even without the Wolfsbane, to ever be on the same level as them, Lupin," Moody said matter-of-factly. "Don't ever think of that as weakness."

"But they _do_," Remus said emphatically. "I can't get a foothold in there if they don't think that I am trustworthy, that I am…ruthless." He sighed. "The things I have been saying to the youngsters, my attempts to convert them, have made their way back to Greyback." He laughed hollowly. "Apparently, I have more of an influence on them than I thought. Greyback never would have sent Mephisto to find me if he didn't consider me a threat."

Moody nodded thoughtfully, processing everything Remus had said. "How do you think they came to know about Tonks?"

Remus shook his head. "I have no idea. All I know is that she has to know. You all have to know what they said. He lowered his voice, the emotion in it so potent it almost made Moody uncomfortable. "If anything happens to her, because of what I am – Alastor, I will never be able to forgive myself. Never."

"I know," said Moody roughly. In a very uncharacteristic gesture, he laid his hand on Remus' shoulder and gave it a short squeeze. "I will talk with her. Let her and the rest of the Order know what's going on."

"Thank you," whispered Remus, gripping his hands together to hide the trembling. He felt somewhat better about her safety, knowing Moody would keep an extra eye – probably his magical one, thought Remus with an inward smile – on Tonks.

"I have to get going, Remus," Moody said, walking towards the door. "Tonks is expecting me to relieve her at the Hogwarts gates. Would you – ," he cleared his throat, then tried again. "Do you wish to join me?"

"No," Remus said quickly, standing to join Moody at the door. "No, I – don't think that would be a good idea."

Moody nodded shortly. "Alright. Lupin – you did the right thing." He did not elaborate what that right thing was, but left Remus to draw his own conclusions.

Remus nodded in thanks, walking out past Moody and listening to him clunk his way down the stairs behind him. He turned out of the inn, heading towards the Three Broomsticks for a quick butterbeer before heading back out to the pack. He smiled sardonically down at his last few knuts, knowing that he was lucky to have sewn them into his jacket lining. If Grimm had searched his clothes and found them in a pocket, they would not have been there. He learned very quickly upon first going underground that the pack took much more than it gave. Fenrir took every opportunity to make his subjects as beholden to him as possible, whether it was by being their maker or petty theft. _A token_, he would growl, his eyes hard and mean, _of your appreciation to me._

The butterbeer was sweet and warm as he nursed it, wishing with everything he had that he could just walk away from the pack, knowing what horrors the next full moon would bring. The only way to earn their trust, to keep her safe, was to kill. The knowledge of that sat in his gut like a stone, and even as he tried to think of some other way around it, some way to keep his humanity intact while maintaining his very fragile cover, he knew that it was the only way. The thought made him physically sick, made him want to crawl into a hole and never come out, want to lock himself in a cage and rip himself to pieces before hurting another living soul.

He tried to shake himself of those morose thoughts, though the effort proved to be unfruitful. Remus downed the end of his drink and stood to go back to the pack's underground headquarters. He turned to find the first – and the last – person he wanted to see standing, frozen in the doorway.

"Remus!" she gasped. And, despite the fact that every single witch and wizard in the place was watching, she charged into the room and threw herself in his arms, nearly knocking him over. "You're alright," she whispered, clinging to him as if he would fly off if she let go. "Moody told me what happened, and he said you were, but I didn't believe him…I was so afraid they had hurt you," she whispered, burying her face in his chest.

Remus could not help himself. He wrapped his arms around her, cherishing even these few moments he would have with her. Reluctantly, he pulled away from her. "Nymphadora, we really shouldn't do this here. Why don't we go back to your room?"

She nodded, not letting go of his hand as they exited the building. She led him to her room, which was decidedly less cluttered as Moody's had been. In fact, nothing in the room marked her existence within it. The walls were free of Weird Sisters posters, the bureau bare of the trinkets and general clutter he had come to think of as distinctly Nymphadora Tonks. He realized with a pang that he sorely missed those essences of living with her, missed tripping over her dirty laundry and picking up her dirty dishes that she had left lying around the room. He missed waking up to find her sprawled over three-quarters of the bed, himself hanging off one edge and gently trying to move her over. He missed lying in bed and hearing her going down to find some breakfast, waiting with a touch of humor and concern for the sound of her tumbling down the stairs, cursing at whatever object had been the cause of her latest pratfall. He missed kissing her bruises away, her giggle as those kisses began to roam away from her tender wounds and towards other things. He missed the way she felt in his arms as they made love. Oh, Merlin, how he missed _her_.

He started from his thoughts to find the object of his memories staring up at him expectantly. "Remus, please tell me what happened. I need to know. Moody told me very little."

He sat her on the bed, disengaging his hand from hers as he moved away from her to stalk the bedroom floor in an uncharacteristic show of anxiety. This, more than anything Moody had said to her, frightened Tonks.

"Greyback and the rest of the pack know about us – about you." Remus dragged a hand through his hair. "You need to be extremely careful from now on, Nymphadora. Your safety has been severely compromised." _By me_, he left unsaid, but it screamed so loudly in his own mind that he wouldn't have been surprised if she had heard it loud and clear. "You should try to switch shifts with everyone to make sure you are not out at night."

"I know how to take care of myself, Remus," she said quietly, her eyes not leaving him even as he moved about the room like a caged animal. "I am an Auror, you know."

"Auror training can't prepare you for these…monsters," spat Remus, turning a gaze on her that was so intense she almost couldn't look him in the eye. "They're ruthless. They have no respect for life, wizard or Muggle. All that matters to them is power, and getting as much of it as they can. Whatever the cost." He strode over to Tonks, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands in his. He tried to convey every feeling, every fear in the look he gave her. "Please, Dora," he whispered, brushing her mousy brown hair from her face. "Please. Take this seriously. I could never forgive myself if – "

Tonks placed a finger over his lips to quiet him. "I know," she murmered. "I know that. I need you to trust me, to trust the rest of the Order, to keep me safe. As safe as I can be with what I have to do. I have to do my job," she continued before he could speak. "You cannot ask me to give this up. This is all I have right now. All I have to get up for every morning." She smiled humorlessly. "And until you stop being so bloody stubborn about this – about us – it's my life."

Remus looked down at their hands entwined in one another's. "You know why we can't do this, Nymphadora, This is just proof of why we can't. Of one of the many reasons you need to find someone else."

"That is just bollocks, Remus Lupin," Tonks said fiercely, making him look back up at her. "Pure and simple bollocks. I don't care about any of that. You know that. And I would like to point out, you git, that I am still in danger regardless of whether or not we are together."

Remus stood abruptly, unwilling to look her in the eyes. He could not do this. The fact that he had seen her, touched her today, was potential for questioning and punishment when he returned to the pack and Fenrir smelled her on him. "I did what I came to do here, try to keep you from getting hurt."

"I think we both know it's a little late for that, Remus," she said softly.

"You know what I meant." The frustration and fear was so tight in him he felt he may explode with it. "I have to get back now. They can't know I've been here, and if I am gone too long it will look suspicious."

Tonks sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "Remus, please," she began weakly.

"I have to go, Nymphadora." He stopped and turned to get one more look at her, soak up her features as if to brand them in his memory for all time. Maybe that image of her, looking at him with those chocolate eyes that still haunted him from last night, would help erase the ones he had of her, broken and bloody and dead with the scornful laugh of Fenrir Greyback ringing in his ears. "Please, just promise me you'll take care of yourself."

She gazed at him, her heart in her eyes. It broke his own to see her so raw. "Only if you'll do the same," she whispered, smiling tremulously at him.

He returned the smile, sad and full of regret. "I'll do my best." He closed the door behind him, hoping beyond hope that this was not the last time he would see her alive.

He apparated back to the clearing, and to the pack, the memory of her soft and bright in his mind.


	6. Healing

It's funny the things you remember about the pivotal moments in your life.

For Nymphadora Tonks, it was always the smallest of details she recalled. The day she found out she had received her letter of acceptance for auror training, she vividly remembered the book she was reading that morning: _The Weird Sisters – A Biography_. The day she met Remus Lupin, she remembered exactly what she had eaten for lunch – kidney pie and peas – before going to Grimmauld Place to meet the members of the Order. And the day Sirius died, the clock at Grimmauld had just turned to 11:42 when the call had come in from Snape that Harry and the other students had disappeared.

On the day Dumbledore died, she was wearing pink socks. Looking back on it now, in the aftermath of one of the worst nights of her life, she wasn't sure what had possessed her to wear them; maybe it was the almost desperate desire for her hair to be that color once again, _any _color but the mousy brown it had stubbornly held for the last ten months. Maybe it was because, Merlin help her, _something_ about her needed to be cheerful. Or perhaps the black Docs she was wearing just complemented them so well. But now, standing out at the lake on Hogwarts grounds and trying to fully comprehend the devastating blow that had struck them all just hours before, they seemed petty, ridiculous and too cheerful for the events they had witnessed.

The small details. Like the socks, or the small patch of grass that had outgrown the others next to the pond she had noticed as she came in from duty walking the grounds, the delicate necklace Hermione was wearing when they met in the hallway. The scrambled eggs she had eaten for breakfast, the small stain on Moody's robes that he dismissed as left over from last night's dinner, the slight crack in the mirror she saw as she stared at herself in the mirror that morning, barely recognizing the drawn, too-thin features and limp, lifeless hair staring back at her.

Maybe this was how she processed things, how she dealt with life-altering events. For she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this night would be change her life – her world – forever. The horror of what had happened, here at the place where she had always felt safe, protected, was still sinking in through the numbness that had consumed her when Harry first broke the news in the hospital wing.

_It's not possible_. That was her automatic reaction, borne out of fear and the denial that comes with losing someone you cared for, someone who was your mentor, your friend, your hero. There was no way that Albus Dumbledore was dead. The most powerful wizard alive, dead. She tried to deny it, but the words died in her mouth as she saw the look in Harry's eyes. And she knew. She had never seen someone look that alone, that lost, at least not since…

_Remus._

She glanced at him as he dropped into the chair next to Bill. The grief etched across his face was so deep, she wanted to reach across the space that divided them, both physically and emotionally, and smooth it away. That same look had greeted her when she woke up in St. Mungo's a year ago, when he told her in a broken voice that his best friend, her cousin, was dead. Gone. Never coming back. Now Harry had given Remus that same news, and the grief returned, fresh and new and very different. This man had been Remus' mentor as well as his friend, had accepted him for who he was, not what he became once a month. The pain she was feeling was nothing compared to his, because she knew that now he felt truly and completely alone.

_I'm here, Remus,_ she promised silently, wishing beyond wishes that he could hear that, understand that, let her be that for him.

Then she went off and behaved like an idealistic, lovesick adolescent in front of the Weasleys, the children, Fleur, and even Minerva, and she cursed herself a million times for putting the both of them in that position.

She kicked a pebble into the lake, looking out over the waters and still feeling the humiliation and sting of his terse rejection. She knew she shouldn't have confronted him in that way, after he had just lost the man he looked up to more than any other. She didn't say anything she didn't mean, anything she regretted saying to him. However, she thought with a small, ironic smile, she may have chosen poorly when it came to timing. She snorted. What else was new?

Lost in her thoughts, she almost didn't hear the quiet footsteps come up behind her. However, when she became aware of a second presence at the lakeside, she knew exactly who it was without turning around. She would recognize that footfall, that distinct smell of woods and chocolate and cinnamon that was so him, anywhere she was. Again, those small details.

"Hi, Remus," she said quietly, not turning to look at him. She couldn't take another rejection from him, not tonight, not after making a bloody fool out of herself in front of everyone.

"Nymphadora," he replied in greeting, stopping just inside her peripheral vision and gazing out at the lake.

"Please don't call me that," she murmured, secretly glad he had used her first name. At least she wasn't Tonks right now. His use of her surname inferred distance, aloofness – things she certainly didn't want from him. Nymphadora, however, signaled exasperation, or a desire to goad her. Some emotion, at least, something she had seen very little of from him in the last few months. Excepting their two all-too-brief encounters during the past ten months – Merlin, had it really been ten months, not ten years? – he had virtually ignored her, refusing contact and rebutting her pleas for him to talk to her, be with her. _Too old, too poor, too dangerous, my arse_.

"What was that…display in the hospital wing all about?"

Tonks felt her temper ignite. Ignoring her own fears of being rejected once again, she whirled on him. " 'Display'? Is that what you call what happened in there? How dare you," she hissed through gritted teeth, getting in his face. "How _dare _you trivialize the way I feel about you! How dare you make it sound like I was throwing a bloody tantrum over some candies! You are an arse, Remus Lupin, if you don't know that every word I said in there was true!"

Remus refused to make eye contact with her. "I have told you a hundred times, and I'll tell you a hundred more. I'm too – "

"Selfish!" Tonks blurted, her cheeks flushed in anger and her fists clenched at her sides. "You're too bloody selfish, that's what you are. Too selfish to see that what you're doing is killing me! It's not to protect me, it's to protect your own bloody hide." Tonks stepped back, a little taken aback at her realization. "That's it, isn't it," she murmured, staring accusingly at Remus. "It's about protecting yourself. You bloody selfish coward."

Remus looked at his shoes. He struggled to find words. "I – I can't…you're right," he whispered. "I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, Dora. I can't give away my heart again. It's all I have left of myself, the only thing about me I can still find in this mess of what I've become."

"Bollocks to that!" spat Tonks as tears sprang to her eyes. "You haven't had your own heart these past months, Remus." She put a hand to her chest. "You've had mine, you idiot! And you've been ripping it apart! Damn you," she whispered fiercely. "You took my heart with you. I want it back if you can't take care of it. But I don't know how to get it. I don't know." She heard her voice crack, and she started crying in earnest.

Remus' arms came around her, and she wept into his robes. "Damn, she choked, "I h-hate being s-such a g-girl." She felt a rumbling chuckle in Remus' chest, and when she looked back up at him there was a sheen of tears in his eyes as well; she recognized that the rumble had not been laughter, but a sob.

She reached up and cupped his face in her hands. "I need something from you, Remus," she whispered fervently, looking intently into his eyes. "I need you to let me have your heart, too. And know I am going to take care of it. I love you so much, it makes me hurt. And I _know_ you feel the same way. I know it in my soul. There will always be danger. I'm an auror, for Merlin's sake." She got a stubborn gleam in her eye. "But I'm not going to let you hurt the both of us because you're scared to be happy."

"Happiness has become such a foreign concept to me," admitted Remus. "It seems – I can't become attached to people. They end up leaving."

"Loving isn't easy, and I don't think it's supposed to be." Tonks gripped his hand in hers. "But it's worth it. Would you give up knowing Dumbledore, knowing James and Lily, knowing Sirius, if it meant you never had to feel the pain of losing them?"

"You are wise beyond your years," Remus murmured. "Of course not."

"Then why are you giving up on me?" Tonks said in a small voice. "Does what we had – do _I_ – mean that little to you?"

He grabbed her shoulders, shaking them a little. "Don't think that," he said emphatically. "Don't for one minute think that what we were, that _you_ weren't important." He hesitated, and finally gave in to what had been plaguing him for months. "I don't want to lose you," he said huskily. "I don't know if I could bear it. The others – I loved them, cared for them. But it doesn't hold a candle to what I feel for you." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out in a whoosh, as if he had just released a heavy burden. He reopened them, a new determination lighting his gaze. "Losing you would hurt me beyond anything I've ever known. Being the reason for it would destroy me. It was so hard to leave you behind, but it was far more imaginable than allowing anything to happen to you." He reached down and slowly traced the line of her jaw with the back of his hand, his gentleness sending a thrill up her spine. "I've been such a fool," he said softly, realization clear in his voice and on his face as he shook his head slightly. "Thinking I could protect you. That I could protect myself." He smiled a little. "I still think you could do so much better than me. You could be with someone who could offer you so much more than this. So much more," he murmured, "than an old, selfish, cowardly, damaged heart."

"Let me fix it," she replied, turning her face into his hand. "Because you're all I've ever wanted, and needed. Please, Remus," she whispered, her eyes closing. "Be a Gryffindor. Be a Marauder. I need you to be brave for me."

She felt more than heard Remus sigh, and her heart soared. For this was not the sigh she was accustomed to hearing from him, one of sorrow that came before yet another rejection. This was a sigh of surrender, of relief, of release. "For you, Nymphadora Tonks, anything," he said, pulling her back into his embrace.

Euphoria. That was what she felt when he took her in his arms, holding on to her as if he would never let go. And as far as she was concerned, that was just fine. These arms, this man, were all she needed to feel for the rest of her life.

"Oh, Dora," he sighed, and she felt him shudder and pull her tighter, "I'm so sorry. So very sorry." She didn't need him to explain why he was sorry – for leaving her, for hurting her, for being too afraid of love. It didn't really matter anymore. She knew there were still things to discuss, fears to hash out and hurts to mend. But mend them they would – together.

"Show me," she whispered, pulling back from him and running her hands through his hair. "Please, Remus, I've waited a very long time for you to show me."

He brought his lips down on hers, and never had she felt more loved, more cherished. His touch was soft and reverent and his kiss was long and sweet. They stayed that way for a very long time, relishing the feel and taste of one another for the first time in what seemed an eternity. When they pulled back, and Tonks could focus on something other than the taste of him, she noticed Remus looking at her with a goofy, relieved grin on his face.

It took her a moment to realize why he was looking at her that way, but when she did she bit her lip and thought of her socks.

At that moment, that life-altering instant in time, she thought of her socks, and was very glad she had chosen pink. They would go smashingly with her newly matching hair.


End file.
